I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
