She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
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