did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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