I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
