Im at strip club and am horny
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
