he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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