I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
