True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
