please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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