One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
then he tried to convert me to islam
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
