Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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