Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
