Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
