I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
