i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Who died my cat blue again?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
