I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
