Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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