I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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