Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize