I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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