I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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