i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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