and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
