who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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