There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
