My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
