So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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