This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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