You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
