Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize