if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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