I got chris browned last night
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
