This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
