drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
