I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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