dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
