We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
