good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
