I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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