I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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