He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
