my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
