Need sex. Gaining weight.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
