I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
