So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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