clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
