Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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