I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
