I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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