if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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