I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
