Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
