Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just want nice things and good sex
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize