The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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