you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
