just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
