i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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