u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
