ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
