So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
