i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
