my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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